I’m a big fan of Thesaurus.com. I often have it minimized when I write. Do you know if you type in clitoris, this is what you get?

No results found for clitoris:
Did you mean clamorous?
Thesaurus suggestions:



I kind of like clamorous. I picture the little erectile organ all party-like, making some kind of insistent squeaky noise. Glorious is great, too. Center of my womanhood and all that. I’m not sure my clitoris is glitzy (shades of the Glittery Hoo-Ha. Do you know my husband called it a hoo-hoo when he was little? I guess he didn’t get the memo. My family called it a quincy, which confused the hell out of me when I had to memorize the presidents and came upon John Quincy Adams.) It may be cultured and I’m very grateful it’s not cauterized.

Why, you ask, am I even looking clitoris up? It all has to do with literacy.I have been steeped in sex. (Ely says this would be a great name for a soup or perfume.) I have spent a considerable time in recent days lengthening (ha) my sex scenes in the first two Mistress books. Once again my grandmother had scrubbed my mind from any dirt, and the writing results were disappointing. I made my two line and two paragraph scenes turn into two pages. At least. Voila!

I’m never going to be a Tab A/Slot B girl. I skim reading other writers’ sex scenes, although I’m sure they suffered and slaved away writing them. I’m more interested in the emotional dynamics of the couple. My agent Laura Bradford sent me a hilarious book for Christmas: The Big Book of Filth. In it is just about every historical slang word for body parts and sexual acts. Somehow I don’t think cockshire is going to replace vagina any time soon. I’d rather go with name-it-not and call it good.

Here’s the BBOF’s 19th century slang for clitoris. There’s no jewel or pearl or bud or rose to be found. Please tell me your preference, or suggest your own!

little shame tongue
little ploughman
man in the boat
little old man in the boat (yeah, that makes me feel much better)
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. ~John Barrymore