Maggie Robinson

Mar 23
Too True To Life Contest!

Years ago my husband and I argued over snoring. I was willing to admit that I did make a snort or two during the night, but he claimed he was as silent as a lamb. We had a voice-activated tape recorder that I looped over the brass headboard , and at about 2:15A.M. I was whispering, “The snoring in the background is my husband John. Nyah nyah nyah nyah na na. Told you so.”

Snoring is real life. Scratching unmentionable areas is too real life. I don’t expect to find such normal occurrences in romance novels, because they’re pretty much lust killers. I always laugh at the first-thing-in-the-morning love scenes, where no one visits the chamber pot beforehand. My priorities are a little different when I wake up.

What facet of real life do you NEVER expect to read about in a romance novel? Make me laugh. Please post as many jarring scenarios as you like here (the more the merrier—and increase your odds) by 6 P.M. EST Sunday, March 25. Don’t worry if someone else has your idea. Great minds do think alike. I will use the very scientific method of picking a folded scrap of paper from a hat, and the winning entrant will get a brand-spankin’-new copy of Jayne Ann Krentz’s All Night Long (no snoring whatsoever), other romance novel goodies and surprises. The Too True to Life winner will be posted on the usual Monday blog on March 26.

65 comments to “Too True To Life Contest!”

  1. PJ
     · March 24th, 2007 at 5:02 pm · Link

    Eeeewww. More than I needed to know, CM. lol

    Add me to the loop y’all. I have no idea what the ‘dutch oven’ is either.

  2. MistyJo
     · March 24th, 2007 at 6:22 pm · Link

    What about men who are continually adjusting themselves? You know the ones who are touching themselves every few minutes to make sure that their tally whackers are still attached…flashbacks of guys in high school. GROSS! And jock itch for that matter? You know with riding all those horses, areas must have chapped or calloused! Oh, and man boobs! You never hear of man boobs, ugly feet, or saggy balls.

  3. TiffinaC
     · March 24th, 2007 at 8:26 pm · Link

    Here you go for a TMI….I breast fed both my kids for almost a year (each) would have gone longer if they didn’t try and chew them off 🙂

    Anyways, I leaked and sprayed every single time during sex…and lets just say it was the hubby’s goal to keep it going…some men just find it ‘hot’ hot it leaves a crazy mess and and even crazy wet spot 🙂

    And well you aren’t so much as breast feeding your play mate sara, it’s just a game of…well hell I don’t know what it’s a game of, but like i said, some guys just like it (and my hubby thought it would be gross…hehe)

    Tiff…still thinking of another too true to life scenario…

  4. Maggie Robinson
     · March 24th, 2007 at 9:30 pm · Link

    I am becoming more and more frightened to log on here. Beware of what you ask for is taking on a whole new meaning! Seriously, you guys are a riot. Y’all deserve something besides my appreciation. Hope it’s been as much fun for you as it has been for me. My husband thinks I’m going insane cackling to myself…he could be right.

  5. TiffinaC
     · March 24th, 2007 at 9:39 pm · Link

    Oh dear misty…saggy balls…bad imagery happening in my head…no hairy ass men either 🙂

  6. MistyJo
     · March 24th, 2007 at 9:53 pm · Link

    LOL! Tiff, it’s amazing what you find out when you work in a nursing home, or know someone who works in nursing homes…old men in hospital gowns walking down the hall with something swinging between their knees like pendulums! I know, I know…TMI!

    Maggie, thank you for this discussion topic. I’ve had a blast reading everyone’s thoughts.

  7. RevMelinda
     · March 24th, 2007 at 11:20 pm · Link

    Hi Maggie and y’all,
    I loved this! My own (TMI?) contribution is in the same vein as the “wet spot”–i.e., after the hero and heroine make passionate unprotected love in the coat closet and then return to the ball, how come the heroine doesn’t ever have stuff–er–dripping down her legs as she dances? (We know she’s not wearing underwear because the hero has just thrown up her skirts and gone at it.)
    Similarly, what about that little “gush” that sometimes happens hours later?
    Just wondering!

  8. terrio
     · March 24th, 2007 at 11:46 pm · Link

    That’s another things. Isn’t it funny how the hero will go right down there but then always tell the sweet innocent heroine that she doesn’t HAVE to do that for him.

    And in contemps, there is always the requisite sex in the shower. But no one ever falls. Come on, it’s slippery in there. And unless you have those little seats, well it’s just complicated. That’s what I hear anyway. *looking innocent*

    And quite often in contemps there is never condoms mentioned. I wonder, are we just supposed to assume the heroine is on birth control? Even when we just found out she hasn’t been with anyone in a looooonnnnnggggg time?

  9. Santa
     · March 25th, 2007 at 1:05 am · Link

    Ya know, every time I thought I had one, you guys already covered it! But that’s alright! Sara should get a prize for most prolific!

    I’ll just add that on that rare occasions when the heroine, um, returns the favor, the hero always seems to come up smelling like a rose or at best that ‘musky’ scent. Musky, huh? And no swallowing either. The hero manages to lift her up and carry her to the bed, have at it for a good two pages (twenty minutes or 1000 words) and then spill himself in her. Right….just like real life! Well, at least that’s the way it is for some of us…..

  10. Maggie Robinson
     · March 25th, 2007 at 6:48 am · Link

    RANDOM drawing, or I’d never be able to decided between the most, funniest or grossest! I got to thinking over the night that we’re seeing lots of chubby heroines (lusciously curved I think is the way authors are writing it), but we just don’t see any fat guys…or if we do, they’re like Rafe who loses his gut along the way. Where are the Chris Farleys and John Belushis of romance? Oh. Dead.Thanks, Misty, for making me think of flabby body parts.

    Tiff, Terrio, RevMelinda, Santa, I’m avoiding all liquids today in your honor. They’re dangerous!.

  11. BernardL
     · March 25th, 2007 at 10:14 am · Link

    Thank you for a most entertaining and enlightening profile of what never makes it into romantic literature. 🙂 I would like to add one mundane one if I may. The heroine of a romantic novel never uses a litany of what the kids have coming up in the day, or a grocery list of actions to be taken at her work, as foreplay. The scent, hair, secretions, or nonverbal noises of a woman almost never turn a man off. The aforementioned preludes into sexual adventure will take an iron willed man to do the deal. 🙂

  12. IrishEyes
     · March 25th, 2007 at 12:56 pm · Link

    I got another one! I got another one! How about a charley horse?! No one ever throws their back out or has a leg cramp while going through all their Cirque De Soloiel moves. Exercising body parts that I’m almost positive most virgins have never exercised before (unless Pilates was big in the Regency period).

    I would also add to Terri’s shower thing with how do they do it in the water (pools, ponds, rivers, etc.) – has never really worked that well for me.

  13. TiffinaC
     · March 25th, 2007 at 2:10 pm · Link

    Shower works quite well actually…but the man has to be able to hold you against the wall.

    As for ponds???? EWWWWW I wouldn’t want the sludge water slushed inside of me with the man’s dick…sorry that wasn’t a polite way to say it.

    But pools work, it just requires a lot of maneuvering and laughing, unless of course there are stairs in the pool or you are in the shallow end cause you can just wrap your hips around the guy.

    Really you can do it everywhere with ease and a little determination 🙂 Remember all these heroes are fit and muscular and usually taller than the girls…

    Tho drawfs would be perfect eat me size they just don’t have any staring roles that I know about.

  14. terrio
     · March 25th, 2007 at 9:56 pm · Link

    Oh, I hadn’t thought of that. Where are the average (or below average) sized heros. And I’m talking height here. I think we’ve mentioned you never hear a heroine say “Is that all you’ve got?” when she sees the man for the first time.

    You never read that the hero is 5’6″. LOL! Come on, short guys need love too. As well as the big boys. I’ll second that one. Where are the big boys in romance? And isn’t it amazing how Rafe just whipped right into shape? Yeah, right.

  15. Ericka Scott
     · March 27th, 2007 at 4:48 pm · Link

    Well Maggie — I missed the contest, but OMG, I’ve never laughed so hard in my life!