Snoring is real life. Scratching unmentionable areas is too real life. I don’t expect to find such normal occurrences in romance novels, because they’re pretty much lust killers. I always laugh at the first-thing-in-the-morning love scenes, where no one visits the chamber pot beforehand. My priorities are a little different when I wake up.
What facet of real life do you NEVER expect to read about in a romance novel? Make me laugh. Please post as many jarring scenarios as you like here (the more the merrier—and increase your odds) by 6 P.M. EST Sunday, March 25. Don’t worry if someone else has your idea. Great minds do think alike. I will use the very scientific method of picking a folded scrap of paper from a hat, and the winning entrant will get a brand-spankin’-new copy of Jayne Ann Krentz’s All Night Long (no snoring whatsoever), other romance novel goodies and surprises. The Too True to Life winner will be posted on the usual Monday blog on March 26.
Too true to life: vaginal flatulence, also known as the queef, vart and/or pussy fart.
Actually, farting in general doesn’t seem to crop up too much in romance novels.
Way to start the list off right, Sara! And thank God we don’t have to read about farting…we just have to live with it.
Gee, I’m not sure I can type anything after reading Sara’s post. I’m laughing too hard. But I’ll try.
You never read about the wet spot. And why is it when the hero is watching his lady love sleep he never sees that little bit of drool that is sliding down her chin to the pillow? The heroine never seems to notice the hair on the hero’s a…backside and exactly how long ago did women start to shave their legs? This one is a real question because I have no idea. But I doubt leg shaving was big in medieval times.
I’ll try to come up with more later. This is fun!
LOL you guys – only two posts and already I’m not sure I can top them, but I’ll work on it.
Terri, women started shaving their legs in the 1920s – after the safety razor was invented and skirts went short!
*LOL* Yes, we can’t top the farting comment–especially the vaginal farting comment. Lord.
You will never see a scene where the man and woman are on the couch, and he says, “Pull my finger.” But I bet it happens somewhere.
OH. I love in romances than men are helpful around the house. They’re cooking, they’re doing laundry, they’re picking up after themselves–there is not a wet towel to trip over! But you live with them for five minutes, and it’s like they have household amnesia. And I know it drives women batshit, but I never hear them complain about it in romances.
Yes, yes, keep ’em coming. I’m glad I’ve got the day off from work…I wouldn’t want to laugh in the library!
Oh, here’s another one. Where is the toilet paper? Characters in books never have bowel movements. Even in contemporaries. I mean, they are on the run, trying to stay one step ahead of the bad guy that wants them both dead, obviously eating fast food and no one has to go #2? I don’t believe it.
And all that action in the stables in historicals and no one steps in a big steaming pile. Trust me, I’ve been in a stable/barn – it ain’t pretty.
Terrio, In Patricia Veryan’s “A Wagered Widow”, our heroine is on a picnic with a large group of people she doesn’t know well when she DOES step in a big steaming pile of cow poop. Although she keeps dragging her slippers through the grass trying to get rid of the evidence, everyone who approaches her wrinkles their nose and takes a step back, including our hero. At least he is laughing–she is mortified!
Heroines never seem to burp. Heroes sometimes do, but never heroines. Too unladylike, I guess.
And you never read about curved penises which, from what I hear, are fairly common. Even a heroine who has some concept of how sex works might get scared by that.
And the hero always loves the way the heroine smells “down there.” He never recoils and says, “A dockside whore would smell less fishy!” Considering the actual amount of bathing done in historical times, the always pleasant body odors are highly suspicious!
If we could title our posts, I’d name the above: The Tang of the Poon.
Can you tell that my family is into gross, bodily humor? My dad’s idea of a good time is to pass gas while we’re in the car and then lock all the windows. Yeah, it’s frickin hilarious… NOT!
Oh, Sara, you’re putting us all to shame “down there.” And don’t forget the heroine tastes delicious as well. Must go wash brain now.
Sara, you’re cracking me up! These are all too funny.
Not only do heroines taste good down there, but heroes and heroines pretty much taste good everywhere – regardless of hygiene standards of the period. No one ever has bad breath – not even first thing in the morning.
Heroines never have their periods at inopportune times. They never get yeast infections or UTIs.
Maggie, are you going to incorporate some of these into TRR? Show us what the characters have to deal with when no one is looking? 😉
Dang, Sara
Whats a vaginal fart? Just kidding. Can you imagine having that in a genre like fantasy and the men are going–“it farts?”
Y’know, romance never mentions the “stinky morning factor.” The early morning kissing breath. I mean, it’s almost like saying we “fart roses.” Or maybe, because it’s fiction–we actually may!
Lindsey, indeed TRR has a few “verboten” issues already…both male impotence and virginity, for example. Very quickly resolved, I hasten to add, but not too quick because we all know a romance hero can go for HOURS (or at least pages) :).
IG – I don’t know what you’re talking about. My farts smell like roses. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it).
Here’s somethings I wonder about:
Why do they never mention the hero’s nasty-a$$ long toenails? You know they must be scratching the heck out of her hairy legs.
How much of each other could they really see by the light of one little candle? Or even from the firelight across the room?
Why does it take half the time to get the seven layers of clothes back on than it took to get them off? And that’s after having to pick them up all over the room since he threw everything as he removed it…
Why doesn’t anybody ever have to stop to get that hair out of their teeth? I’m just sayin’…
I finally found your address and linked here to your blog, Sara. I have the very same Princess and the Pea picture saved to my computer.
Welcome, Island Girl! I’m sure you smell terrific. And Terrio, I’m off to cut my toenails now, and not a moment too soon. I actually spring for a pedicure every couple of months, but I am very overdue.
How many times can you recall a romance heroine saying, “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache”?
And if men IRL were as engaged in foreplay as romance heroes, some sex therapists would be out of business.
And speaking of smells, have you ever seen a romance in which a not-as-innocent-as-she-once-was damsel re-enters a ballroom after a heated encounter in less than pristine condition? No rips, no creases, no missing garments, and no BO.
I can’t top (or bottom, as the case may be) Sara.
Nobody ever mentions this, but British food is actually not very good. I know, I know. Tastes are subjective, yada yada yada. But I’m sorry. British food is just not good. It sucks. I mean, fish & chips is the highlight of it all. But bangers and mash? Steak and kidney pie? Puddings? Treacle tart? These things are not good. They are rather disgusting. British food is horrible.
There’s a reason why the national dish of Britain is chicken tikka masala. It is because British cuisine is a wasteland.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/special_report/1999/02/99/e-cyclopedia/1285804.stm
OMG!!!
Note to self: No road trips with Sara.
Gee, what’s left to mention? Along with the leg hair would go underarm hair, I suppose.
Even after 3 or 4 times, the heroine never gets dry.
And foreskins – I have this thing lately about the complete absence of foreskins in historicals.
That’s all I can come up with for now.
My mother says I’m disgusting. It took her 23 years to figure this out? Don’t worry, Eve – I haven’t picked up my father’s bad habits. Yet…
The underarm hair thing is interesting. I remember in one of the Outlander books Claire gets waxed at the French court and she finally feels “normal.” I loved reading that. And again, the first time Claire and Jamie have sex, she tries to prevent him from going down on her because she’s afraid it won’t smell very good.
Oh, DG, let me count the ways I love you…
OMG! I had to post just to say OMG! Sara you are too funny. And you took all of mine (along with everyone else’s)LOL
Hellion – That “pull my finger” bit happens weekly at my house!
I would second the bad breath, the body odors from down there, and I don’t think I’ve ever read where the heroine doesn’t have an orgasm every time. There’s fantasy right there!
Okay, let’s add one. Hello, refractory period, anyone? It doesn’t matter how turned on he is. These stories of 30-year-old men who can perform again immediately afterwards are hilarious. No. Just . . . no. Thirty minutes, maybe. Fifteen, within the realm of possibility. One? Yah. Not happening.
Also, the third or fourth time you’re doing it in one night, he’s going to take FOREVER to come.
And while we’re at it, maybe this is really TMI, but I really don’t like direct pressure on the clitorus. Indirect=yummy. Direct = weird and distracting. In the romance novel, it’s always like this magic button. You know, “click here and win a free iPod.”
Janga: Noted, no smell of semen (but you phrased it in a far more lady-like manner)
CM: When you wrote about the refractory period I immediately thought of furniture (refectory table…obviously I confuse sex and food). Thanks for the science lesson!
Eve/Tessa:Noted, vaginal dryness. Wonder what they used back then? If you can find out about breast-feeding, you can find the K-Y substitute!
Irisheyes:Great expectations!!! Although I sometimes find it refreshing when a heroine doesn’t immediately love sex…it makes her guy work harder.
These posts have been beyond MY expectations!
lol CM!
I have to come back to hair again, because though the heroine has think, lush hair on her head and soft, downy curls in her nether region, she doesn’t have a single unwanted hair anywhere on her body – no unibrow or other facial hair, no troublesome bikini line to worry about. Must be nice!
Also, no PMS or bloating.
And no leg cramps.
LMAO!
Okay, I have one to add. What about the hero digging in his ass?!? My ex-husband is notorious for this. It’s the best birth control method I know. What a turn off! Ewwww! When he would dig at his ass, he would still have on his white undies…well at least what was left of them. They usually had holes in them from the digging. And what he rubbed away of his underwear would form white lint balls down the hairy crack of his ass. I couldn’t see a romantic hero doing this.
As long as we’re on hair…hairy moles, or moles in general. Everyone has unblemished skin. I could keep a dermatologist in business forever. Now THAT’S TMI.
I’m sorry but MistyJo wins the TMI award for the day. That is so gross. And you felt the need to go into great detail. I’m now having horrible flashbacks, thankyouverymuch.
Is it wrong that I had no idea what refractory period meant until I read further? LOL! I’m excited I learned something new!
And I so agree. I get men into bed so infrequently, I feel like I’m taking a refresher course because I forgot alot of this stuff.
That’s my contribution to TMI….
OMG, these are too hysterical! Sara, your first post had me about falling off my chair! LOLOLOL
Sorry about the flashbacks, Terri. If it helps, I didn’t reveal my ex’s worst turn off. No one should be submitted to that one.
OOH! OOH! OOH!
I read a book this week where the hero had a CURVED PENIS! REALLY!
It’s HEAD OVER HEELS by Susan Andersen. The dialogue goes like this…
Coop’s erection rose out of a thatch of sandy blond curls and jutted straight up. Except it wasn’t straight. You could probably fit an inverted soup bowl between root and tip. “It…curves”, she said faintly.
Maybe I’ll have to consider an award for the grossest gross-out! No, no, no. My grandmother is revolving in her grave like a rotisserie chicken at Stop ‘n Shop.
PJ, I am amazed you found that passage!
Gah it deleted my post!!!
Okay, so what about: picking noses, morning erection, toilet seat never being put down, wet spots in the bed after sex, pad/tampon emergency shopping, too-tight jeans, pimples (notice that the heroine’s face is usually clear and clean as a whistle – I HIGHLY doubt that)…
But laughing out loud at these comments.
I do appreciate the consideration, MistyJo. But I’m sure it’s nothing I haven’t heard. My ex used to think it was funny to fart on my leg in bed. Called it “marking” me.
So, how come the hero never marks the heroine in this way? LOL!
I would say how come we never see condoms in books but I just read a scene with a condom this week. And it’s historical! I think most of you know which book I’m talking about. That was a great scene.
Dammit!!!! Sara said mine! seriously I thought no one would be ballsy enough to say pussy-fart! Sorry, waxing tiff eloquence!
And Tessa…that foreskin thing bugs me to…though I recently read a contemporary where it was spelled out numerous times that the hero had foreskin (and it was pierced) Though he was on the huge side and liked it rough and I had to wonder why this wouldn’t hurt the ever-tight heroine.
I’ll think of more soon!
Oh dear to the ex comments…EWWWWWW!!!!!
And I totally loved DG for fixing the hair problem with Claire and I remember Jamie commenting on what the hell happened to the hair under her arms and on her legs.
And can I say, NEVER does a hero miss the vaginal entrance. There one that wasn’t mentioned!
Oh, PJ – I think I’m going to have to get that book!
Sorry, Tiff. Didn’t mean to steal your thunder! 😉
The farting on the leg thing is just gross… That should win something!
Oh, Tiff. So true. Every time I read, “He pulled up her skirts and entered her in one powerful thrust” I wince internally, imagining sensitive flesh ramming into sensitive flesh.
You know, I think footmen should fart. I mean, they are always just standing there trying to be invisible.
And why do we never hear how nasty the pond is when they go swimming in there. You can’t tell me that would be beautiful, clear water.
And the women always have perfectly soft hair (always with the little curling tendrils) but they just had that soap. I have tons of ‘product’ and still…can’t get a good hair day.
An amendment to Tiff’s – and they guy never falls out. Don’t you hate when that happens?
Okay, I was reading this while having a little snack before bed and nearly choked to death!
MistyJo wins the TMI award. That is really gross and I just want to say I’m glad you put ex in front of the husband part.
Okay, here’s another one that actually relates to Eve’s blog because that related to my WIP. I read a lot of romances where the highborn lady decides to buck tradition and nurse her baby. Great. Awesome. When the hero and heroine resume relations – and aren’t they always just counting down the days until the doctor/midwife said they could – where does all the milk go? I’ve been told that it definitely leaks and can even spray, yet I haven’t seen any mention of this in romances.
The exception, again, is Diana Gabaldon, but I’m still not sure how I feel about the scene with Frank (her “ex”) where he, uhm, nurses? I mean, if it was Jamie, it would be hot, cause Jamie is always hot, but I don’t know how I feel about breastfeeding anyone old enough to have teeth!
I can see I never should have gone to bed. Pierced foreskin. Oh my.
So far we have about 48 different no-nos in romance. Very impressive!
Oh, and in the TMI category, I nursed four kids and can assure you it is perfectly possible to make love without sprayage or leakage. I must go have my cup of tea now and repent.
if the hero does use a condom, I’ve never read where he removes it-where do they go?
Di
Di – you have to read And Then He Kissed Her by Gurhke. It’s the first time I’ve ever read an author actually address this issue. Especially in an historical!
OMG! You guys are crazy!
You never read about Dutch Ovens in a book. And now I don’t mean the big ole pot you cook in either.
Heroines NEVER fart during sex or discover after sex that they started their period.
*ahem* Not that I personally know ANYthing about any of the above. *ahem*
Okay, I breast fed 2 kids and I did leak during sex, especially if we were in the middle of things, so to speak, and one of the little ones started crying. TMI sorry!
I have read about condoms and disposal of said condoms in several stories recently. I know they were contemps, though, not historicals. Probably Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Jennifer Crusie or Rachel Gibson. Not sure who though.
And I know I’m probably foolish for asking this, but what the heck is a Dutch Oven. I swear I feel so out of the loop sometimes.
Irisheyes, I’m with you!Loopless. But maybe we really don’t want to know…
Speaking of condoms …. I always laugh when the hero in a historical pulls out a “packet” filled with French letters.
They reused ’em back then, you know.